Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
