Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
