the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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