I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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