I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
