Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
im calling her cock vulture from now on
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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