I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
