We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
