Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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