dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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