i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Alive.
So much puke
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
