i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
