You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
