Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
