My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
