You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
