i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
