So drunk, too bad you don't want this
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
