if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
it hurts more in the daytime
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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