Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
