Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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