I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
