Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
