If i come over, it means nothing
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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