arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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