i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
