Michael Bay diarrhea
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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