I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
