my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize