My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
