Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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