Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
