evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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