I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
