my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
