I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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