I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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