i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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