I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
