It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
