I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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