Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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