i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
