dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize