dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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