the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
