I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
