Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
that is very illegal...i love you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize