1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
