you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
