I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
