ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
