I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Randomize
