I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
