Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I have aggressive nipples.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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