I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
