apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
