bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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