True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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