filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
